Cut my hair and shut up

The barber

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Let me tell you how many times I have stood in front of the mirror wishing for a haircut. 1,426,359 times. I counted. I have been walking around with flat, heavy hair for years, now and then getting out the scissors in desperation and cutting off some bits and pieces. The result has rarely been good but I have avoided what I fear so much: A one hour conversation with a stranger aka the hairdresser.

Unfortunately hairdressers are trained to make their customers feel ‘welcome’ and so they usually go on and on with questions about your life, trying desperately to keep a conversation going although they really don’t care about you. They’re just trying to avoid the awkward silence. I don’t mind the first question ‘Would you like a cup of coffee or tea?’ as my throat is usually really dry. So there she goes, getting me something I can swallow my anxiety with. Then comes the next problem: My hand are shaky when I try to drink. I then put the cup in front of me and wonder if she will find me weird because I asked for a drink and yet I drink nothing.
‘How would you like your haircut’?  I have no idea. I have been walking around for years now feeling like an ugly person, I just desperate need to feel pretty. That’s what I am thinking. While I think about that, she is looking at me, waiting.  I wake up from my dreamy, anxious state and go ‘well.. you decide’ which of course makes me look absolutely stupid to both her and the other customers.

I have tried the trick with grabbing a magazine and reading, kind of giving out the vibe that I am not interested in conversation but it doesn’t help. She just thinks of something out of the magazine to discuss with me.

I wish I could enter the salon, say ‘Just the haircut please, no conversation’. It would make my life so much easier. Some well-meaning people say ‘maybe you should just force yourself, do it until you don’t fear it anymore’. They have no idea what they’re talking about, they have no understanding of social anxiety. Sometimes you just want to have a haircut, not go through an hour’s therapy, making yourself shaky and nervous and nauseous.

Just the haircut, thanks.

I have come so far as to Google ‘how to cut my own hair professionally’.
Lots of websites but no professional result yet.

Can you relate?

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