Being depressed and anxious is a fever of the mind. It’s the mind’s way of saying ‘Okay let me shut down for a while because I am in crisis mode, be back later’. Kind of like when the body runs a fever and we need to stay in bed for a while. I can’t begin to write down everything that has happened in my life over the past few months and I wouldn’t want to either, except if this blog was in ultra private mode. That’s the hard part about writing my way out of misery and using words to open up and clear my view: Other people are involved in my life and they don’t necessarily want to be dragged into these pages, their words and deeds available for everyone to scrutinize and comment on. I get that. Part of me wants to write ‘here’s what has happened’ and make a long list but suffice it to say that my life is not what I thought it was and I have suffered losses on many different levels lately.
I am trying to deal with everything from minute to minute and right now I am in a state of confusion and anger. Yesterday the pain got so intense that I just wanted everything to end. I had this scary attitude that nothing matters, who cares, etc. etc. Frightening.
This morning I am in a different place. It still doesn’t mean anything that I can hear the birds singing, that the weather forecast promises a heatwave soon, that I might feel better if I walk around town (again.. for the millionth time). Who cares? But this morning I matter. Me. Time to take care of myself and not consider if it hurts anyone else.
I am going to start writing a lot more. It seems to bring a bit of comfort that my words reach some stranger out there. Solitude broken.
- Death and Faith (bizarreprodigy.com)