The rocks will begin speaking

You know the expression ‘monsters live in the dark’? It means that all the things we keep secret about ourselves, the things we try to hide so well both from family, loved ones and friends but even from ourselves, will eventually grow up into an ugly, mean monster inside our heart and take over. Result = emotional breakdown, snap, hospital visit or suicide.

That’s why I am all about screaming, yelling, talking, crying. Any emotional outlet (aside from cutting my own skin) is an acceptable form of letting all the anguish seep out of my soul. I know after yrs of experience that if I keep all this angst inside, I will break down.
I once fell down in the street because I suddenly couldn’t feel my own legs and I couldn’t make sense of much. I had a breakdown right there on the sidewalk. After being in hospital for a bit and having many talks with my psychiatrist, I know it was the result of keeping my concerns and thoughts and anger to myself. I had the ‘nice syndrome’ where – at the cost of my own sanity – I had to be a nice person at all costs. Many women suffer from this. Little girls are taught to be nice and little boys are taught to believe in themselves. Sometimes. Anyway, my niceness and my hiding from my black side made me break down. I had a complete psychotic episode, faceless men in the room and everything.

So I vow to never keep quiet about my illness. I will tell anyone who will listen. My name is Gitte and I suffer from depression and anxiety. I wish that when I someday can’t speak anymore and hopefully am at peace in my grave, the rocks and stones on the streets would shout about this deathly illness. We mustn’t be quiet about it. It’s a nasty epidemic hitting people all over the world and yet mental health problems are still taboo.

There is no way I will be a party to the silence. I am depressed, I am anxious, every day is a struggle but I will fight to my dying day to stay alive. That’s my challenge in life. We all have a challenge. If you have one, I encourage you to face it with bravery. Bravery is not pulling yourself together and getting on with it. Bravery .- in my understanding – is to accept what is, learn to handle it to your best ability, and being open and outspoken about the fact that you’re not perfect and you have struggles.

The people who have been through the hardest experiences, the people who have the biggest scars on their souls.. they’re the world’s bravest people.

A final thought. I have been told I have a bitterness about me. You bet. I can’t believe that life has dealt me what it has so far. I can’t believe how some people have treated me. I can’t believe how some people enjoy the mental games, the manipulation, the control. I have had bad things happen to me. But the important thing is – and I am so proud of this –
I have lived through it. I am alive. I am damn proud of that. Many people would have ended it.  I may be bitter and anxious but I have an upside too: I am a wonderful woman and I am strong as hell.

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2 thoughts on “The rocks will begin speaking

  1. echostains says:

    Well done Gitte for speaking out! We too have had to deal with this in our own close family, so can identify with all you say. The last paragraph could be written by me. Good luck to you – no one deserves this illness. Can also identify with ‘finding out who your friends are’ too and how those you think you can depend on for support run the other way. Their loss in the long run.

  2. That’s what is difficult when struggling with depression: It’s hard for relatives and friends to deal with and some might turn their backs on you. Then what you face is more loneliness, more wondering if you are a terrible person who deserves this hell. What you (I) really need is caring and listening and support. It’s just not everyone who can give it without getting scared. Thanks for your comment.

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