Well it’s the first morning after being dumped yet again. I shift between crying hysterically, blowing my nose into a handkerchief and then minutes later my anger kicks in and I think a little rationally: ‘Well if he can leave me this easily, he didn’t care much in the first place’.
Last night right after he ended things with me, I went through my entire flat and gathered everything he has ever given me. Letters, a picture with a little sweet inscription, small bows from flowers and chocolate he has sent me. I gathered everything into a big brown envelope and wrote him a letter, partly desperate (begging for him to stay) and partly just saying goodbye because I know he won’t change his mind. I am planning to send it all back to him. It hurts terribly to part with it but I can’t look at it anymore. I also can’t make myself throw it in the dumpster. That’s why I am sending it back.
It is beyond my understanding how anyone can look me in the eyes only three weeks ago and say how much he loves me, kiss me so tenderly and hold me so tight.. and then suddenly he needs to be alone, he can’t give me what I need. I know things have happened in the meantime due to my anxiety that we could have been without. I just can’t believe that our relationship is not even worth a fight. He will just leave. Finish it. I can’t help thinking I was apparently not worth the effort.
So how do I plan on getting through today? I am thinking a very, very thorough session of cleaning my kitchen, re-arranging furniture, making a new Youtube channel (old one bears too many memories and it’s full of his comments on my videos), erasing every single little memory of this guy from my flat. Plus of course listening to Reba McEntire‘s greatest hits all afternoon. Reba can cure any heartbreak known to man.
What’s with this whole ‘let’s be friends’ thing? First of all I have no idea how to stop loving him in the way a lover does, a girlfriend, someone who loves you that extra bit that makes everything special. I can’t just switch my emotions like that. Secondly, why would he think I want to keep him in my life so I can be a witness to the day where he suddenly is interested in a relationship and he will write ‘I have found the perfect woman‘ on his Facebook wall. I refuse to witness that day. We will be lovers and partners or we will be nothing. There is no going back.
Kitchen awaits. Ajax, here I come. And here come the tears again.