My mental illness

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I am one of the thousands of people who suffer from a mental illness. I have an anxious personality disorder, social phobia and reoccurring depression. I carry around the shame of it, the embarrassment , the guilt, the shock of how much this illness has robbed me of regarding family and relationships and life goals. There was so much I wanted out of life. I remember when I was a teenager, I would type on an old electric typewriter (before the age of laptops) and dream of becoming a famous writer. I’d dream about becoming a mother and having a family of my own. Everything would run smoothly, no problem. There was a long list of things I swore I’d never do, roads I would never go down, multiple ways of fucking up my life that I would make sure to steer clear of.

I am now 38, a noncustodial mother, retired, socially isolated and just suffered a break-up. Again.

I could never make friends easily, I prefer the security of sitting behind my computer screen. I have hobbies where I can be sure to be alone: Photography, writing, drawing, painting. Things that I can do on my own. I have no friends that come around, nobody to confide in except people online. That’s why the internet is immensely important to me – take that away and there really is nobody to relate to or talk to.

This was so not the way I pictured my life. I wanted other things, a wholly different result, believe me. I have fought and fought this mental illness all my life. It goes back to when I took my first steps (which I did rather late due to an operation).. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious. There’s always been this deep insecurity inside me and it feels like I never had a choice in the matter – I could never win this battle even though I have tried.

If there’s one thing I’d like to change, it’s the fact that it’s so damn hard to find a partner. Who can tolerate being with someone so isolated, so needy, so insecure? I don’t know. I haven’t found anyone yet. I have a few failed relationships now and I am beginning to think that love is really not possible for someone with a mental illness.

Which kind of ruins my one final goal in life: I want someone to love me and STAY.

I now doubt it will ever happen.. because of this damn illness.

Do you think it’s possible to be successful at love when you have mental problems?

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One thought on “My mental illness

  1. Max says:

    I am very much like yourself only with Agoraphobia thrown in for good measure!

    I’m 28 in 9 days time and this is not how I pictured my life at all, however, on the partner side of things I have been lucky, I have met both my partners online ( not at the same time obviously!) and they have known all about my mental health “issues” from the get go, I will also add that I met them on sites dedicated to people with “anx issues” so they have had their own demons.
    The first one lasted just over 2 1/2 years we split for various reasons but not really down to the mental side of me šŸ˜‰
    The current, we’re 3 years into living together and still going strong, it’s not always easy and I doubt it ever will be, but loved I do feel at long last.

    Don’t give up, just adapt how you meet potential partners and you know what if they can’t love you at your worst then they don’t deserve you at your best!

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