Category Archives: Relationships

Eat my lover?

I am lying in bed, looking at a book I left on the coffee table last night. It’s about a cannibal killer who would eat his lovers after having sex with them.  As I stare at the book cover, I cry and I wonder how badly I handle my own love life. Right now I am 100% convinced that I will never be in a relationship again; I am just way too frail. I can’t handle the ‘Let’s just be friends’, it sends me straight into a full blown depression and my anxiety shoots through the roof. The loss of a lover/boyfriend is huge to me, since my social phobia makes me really isolated to begin with.

So what happens when I try to get out of my shell, I meet someone, I fall in love and then they decide to stop the relationship? I retreat into depression, total despair, days and nights of crying and going to that terrible place of ‘I really don’t want to be alive, anyway’. That’s a scary place for me as I have nobody to confide in. Then I start blaming myself. If only I wasn’t so emotional, if I could be different, if I could not over-react to every little thing, if I could just be a better master of my own feelings. But I can’t. I know that deep inside of me. This is me, I am anxious, I am overly emotional.

So now – having decided it’s not even worth switching the lights on in my flat – I am under the covers, crying the most hopeless cry I have produced in a long time, a voice in my head tells me to stay away from men all together. Some people can try out a relationship and move on quite happily. I can’t. It takes me months to feel okay again and before I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I see all my failures, my shortcomings, my sad little lonely life frozen in time. It will never be different. I will never find love and get to keep it. I just know it.

Dahmer – the serial killer I am reading about – said that he had to eat his lovers so they would never leave him.
I’d never eat anyone (yuck) but hey, I do understand the fear of being left alone. I fear what is already my reality: I am and will always be alone.  So now what?

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I guess it’s time..

To get back to writing. I’ve been away for a while and have probably lost many readers. It’s alright though, this blog mainly serves as a diary where I can vent my fears and worries. My life has pretty much been in turmoil lately on many levels. I won’t go into detail, I’ll just say that sometimes life hands you shit and you just HAVE to deal with it, no choice in the matter.. and so I have been away from here, not knowing how to phrase what I went through (and am still going through).

There’s been this revelation inside me. I am not good at being alone. You know they say ‘it’s better to be happy alone than miserable with someone else’ ? I am not sure it has quite sunk in with me. I’d rather be with someone. This should open my eyes in a big way to the fact that I am quite uncomfortable on my own. I know it’s a confidence thing. I need a guy to tell me I look pretty and I am sweet and he loves me. I need to feel needed. I suppose there’s this hole inside me where I just don’t feel good enough and I crave desperately for someone to fill it. Say the magic words. Then I feel it. I feel loved and worthwhile.
I know, I know, it’s a problem. Right now I don’t even have the strength to deal with it.

I just wanna sit here, have someone say ‘you’re amazing’ and believe it.  It might get me through the dark, bleak winter ahead. Afterwards I might seek to change.

Not now. I can’t.

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Am I impossible to love ?

I am really close to giving in to the thought that I am unlovable. I am so socially awkward and anxious that it is impossible for anyone to be with me. I’m not 100% sure of the truth to those words but I am coming scarily close to believing them. Sure, I am in love but there is this huge wall standing right between us. The wall of social phobia. I try, I really do. I try to overcome my feelings of inadequacy, I try to stop judging myself so harshly and I have succeeded in actually pushing my own boundaries. But I have also failed miserably. I’ve had to give up on meeting his friends that he was so eager for me to meet. Huge disappointment. Pretty soon those awful words ‘let’s just be friends’. Ugh. I hate those words. They might as well be ‘you’re too weird for this to work out’. I know, I know, those words were not said. They’re the interpretation of a very anxious and shameful brain.

So I have to ask myself, am I really unlovable? I mean, if I can’t do all the ‘normal’ couple stuff, go out with friends, double date, hang out with another couple.. am I then doomed to live a life alone? Perhaps. I have said in a past relationship that I would be more than willing to stay home while he went out with another couple or some friends but he’d have none of that. He’d rather sit at home with me and sulk about not being able to go. He made me feel so ashamed and horrible (because I let him).

I never want to isolate anybody. Perhaps people feel that loneliness and anxiety is contagious. I so wish someone would look behind the anxiety and the challenges it brings and see this wonderful woman I really am. Just give me a fighting chance to test my boundaries before they leave. I know the problem is mine and mine alone; my biggest dream is just to be loved entirely, anxious or not. I know I sound like a whining child right now and full of self pity. That’s not the case. I don’t pity myself, I am merely expressing that I am holding on to the last thread of hope . . it cannot be true that I cannot be loved.

Yet experience tells me so. Some broken relationships behind me where anxiety played a major part in destroying things. Lots of other problems too (I am not accepting all the blame) but I know for sure what my own part was: Being crippled by fears and worries.

I can remember hiding in the bathroom while my ex husband had company over. It was that hard for me to face people. That’s how low a creature I considered myself.

I suppose it’s difficult to love someone who has these kinds of challenges because it affects so much of my life. I just wish so badly that someone would have the patience and the understanding and the strength to stand by me through it all.

Underneath this cloak of anxiety there is a very beautiful, lively, funny, sexy, fully lovable woman. I know it.  Where is the guy who will see her?

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I wish someone could love me fully

Well it’s the first morning after being dumped yet again. I shift between crying hysterically, blowing my nose into a handkerchief and then minutes later my anger kicks in and I think a little rationally: ‘Well if he can leave me this easily, he didn’t care much in the first place’.

Last night right after he ended things with me, I went through my entire flat and gathered everything he has ever given me. Letters, a picture with a little sweet inscription, small bows from flowers and chocolate he has sent me. I gathered everything into a big brown envelope and wrote him a letter, partly desperate (begging for him to stay) and partly just saying goodbye because I know he won’t change his mind. I am planning to send it all back to him. It hurts terribly to part with it but I can’t look at it anymore. I also can’t make myself throw it in the dumpster. That’s why I am sending it back.

It is beyond my understanding how anyone can look me in the eyes only three weeks ago and say how much he loves me, kiss me so tenderly and hold me so tight.. and then suddenly he needs to be alone, he can’t give me what I need. I know things have happened in the meantime due to my anxiety that we could have been without. I just can’t believe that our relationship is not even worth a fight. He will just leave. Finish it. I can’t help thinking I was apparently not worth the effort.

So how do I plan on getting through today? I am thinking a very, very thorough session of cleaning my kitchen, re-arranging furniture, making a new Youtube channel (old one bears too many memories and it’s full of his comments on my videos), erasing every single little memory of this guy from my flat. Plus of course listening to Reba McEntire‘s greatest hits all afternoon. Reba can cure any heartbreak known to man.

What’s with this whole ‘let’s be friends’ thing? First of all I have no idea how to stop loving him in the way a lover does, a girlfriend, someone who loves you that extra bit that makes everything special. I can’t just switch my emotions like that. Secondly, why would he think I want to keep him in my life so I can be a witness to the day where he suddenly is interested in a relationship and he will write ‘I have found the perfect woman‘ on his Facebook wall. I refuse to witness that day. We will be lovers and partners or we will be nothing. There is no going back.

Kitchen awaits. Ajax, here I come. And here come the tears again.

 

 

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There is no prince charming, ladies

When I was a little girl, I was in love with Barbie. I must have had over 80 Barbie dolls and they had a house and a dog and a horse to ride around on. Barbie also had Ken who was her love interest in the beginning of all my games but the relationship developed from mere friendship into everlasting love in a matter of 15 minutes. One day Ken cheated on Barbie with some bimbo (another doll) who had set her eyes on him even though he was married. You know the type. Ken came home from work, casually threw his jacket over a chair and Barbie was in the kitchen crying her little, innocent eyes out.
Drama. She had discovered the deceit .

Ken explained everything and he apologized. Promised it would never happen again. Ken and Barbie hugged and made up (I had the door to my room locked for that purpose. How embarrassing if my mom was to walk in when Ken was kissing Barbie! ) .. and it never did happen again. He never, ever cheated again. And they lived happily ever after. No more “I am working late tonight” and “I got a run out to buy cigarettes” and not returning until six hours later.
I also watched Cinderella cartoons. My role models were all these seemingly helpless women , completely lost in the world until their Prince charming came along and made everything okay . I wonder which fool created such a role model for girls !? How about teaching girls to be strong and independent women ? There wasn’t much talk about that when I was a little girl .

 

As I grew a little older , I kept believing that all those married women I knew were truly with their Prince charming but I did begin to realize that being married was not everything that Cinderella promised it would be . It required work and the ability to forgive and move on . Okay . I would surely be able to do that and when I was going to marry , it would be for ever ; there was just no question in my mind about that . I took it absolutely for granted . Having grown up with parents who were married , I did not really have the ability to put myself in the place of a child with divorced parents. I looked at those children and felt sorry for them and I seem to remember my childhood as a time when very few people got divorced. I’m sure that’s not true; I grew up in the 70s and early eighties and of course, people did get divorced. It just never touched my world. Therefore it was absolutely unthinkable for me that I would ever get divorced.
Then I got married . I had a child . This was my goal ever since I was a little girl . I remember a close friend of mine once told me “If you never have a child , there is just no justice in this world “. I wanted a family so badly . I still believed in the fairytale until I was hit with depression , arguments , anxiety , taking care of a baby , bills , bad communication , trying to mix two religions and two different cultures and trying to remember who I was before I entered this new world . We ended up getting a divorce and today I find myself being someone I had never planned I would be.

Maybe that’s the whole purpose being on this planet . Things never go as we plan and we have to adjust to new situations and new people coming in and out of our lives . Whatever happened to Cinderella and Barbie and Ken and happy ever after ? What happened to all those promises ? What happened to the simplicity ?
It was all a lie . I do believe in true love because I see examples of couples who have been together for years and stay together . They just don’t always stay together because of passion and sexual attraction . They stay together for friendship , because they admire something in each other , because they need something from each other . Sex is a part of that – but just a part of it . The world is full of true love. There are married couples still together after 30+ years of marriage , there are divorced couples who remain friendly for the sake of the kids , there are people who volunteer to help others freely and out of the goodness of their heart , there are grandparents who loves spending time with the grandchildren.

You cannot define what true love is. All I know is, if you find love, hold onto it, work hard at keeping it.  Prince charming is not out there, nor is the simple relationship that came along with him. But the world is full of true love.

 

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Dumped like a sack of potatoes

I remember it like it was yesterday. We were having a few problems (ex boyfriend and I) and I had gone on my bike to go see him. 20 minutes of headwind while my mind raced: “What am I gonna say to him?”  – turns out I didn’t have to worry. He was in no mind to speak to me. It was kind of a stormy relationship to begin with but what happened when I arrived really threw me for a loop.  He opened the door, looked at me with the coldest stare I had ever gotten from anyone and said : “I want you to leave, we’re done“. No explanation. I remembered stammering “B..b..but errr…what’s happening? Can’t we talk?” and he once more said “I just want you to leave, this is over“. And then he sort of lead me to the door and opened it.

Just leave. This is it“.  Door closed. “Conversation” ended. There I was, holding my bike and tears down my face. That was really it, I guess. I was shocked by his behavior. It’s hard to fathom someone seeming loving and kind and then suddenly switching to some cold being that you don’t recognize. And yet that’s what he was.

Worst way I have ever been dumped. Very humiliating. Of course a few months later he came back and said he just wanted a break; by that time it was me who said “We’re done, this is not going to work“. I offered more of an explanation than he ever did the first time around.

I sometimes wonder what’s the worst way to get dumped? There are many ways of doing it. Face to face might be the only good way to go about it but then again, that’s what happened to me in a very cold and unfeeling manner. I wish he’d wrapped it up a little nicer at the time. Now I don’t care anymore, moved on of course. But for those who understand how to dump someone respectfully, face to face might be the way to go.

Then of course there’s the telephone. Or email or letter. Choosing to break up via telephone might spare one the drama but then again, it does seems a little cowardly to avoid the confrontation of being in the same room. Text message or letter is just totally the wrong way to go about dumping someone. Of course you get to pick and choose your words without interruptions but wow, can you be any more cold and unfeeling? I doubt it.

That’s not even the dumbest way to dump someone.

You know the type, right? They’ll just choose to suddenly ignore you and stop communicating altogether or choose the other terrible option: Finding someone else and THEN dumping you. Both ways are idiotic. If you’re the one doing the dumping, please stop to think about what you’re doing. Would you really wanna be dumped by being ignored and then seeing your so-called partner out on the town with someone else? I don’t think so.

Just because you’re not gonna be together anymore doesn’t mean you don’t need to show respect in the dumping process.

My thought is the only way to handle it is be honest, offer an explanation and then show some respect whilst being firm in your decision. That’s how I’d wanna be dumped!

Not by some guy closing the door on me after six months – right after going “I just want you to leave. We’re done”.

How about you? Share your worst dumping story?

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He said, she said, then the whore said…

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Image via Wikipedia

I read an article online the other day – I forget which site – but it claimed that lots of relationships break up because of people’s Facebook interactions. Partners check into each other’s accounts and find various discrepancies. The article didn’t state what the problem was but I am guessing infidelity or just flirting and socializing with different people online. If the article speaks the truth, then I don’t think Facebook is the problem. Of course, Facebook is a big huge playground of communication, flirting, laughing, sharing things – even sharing things that you might not want to share with your spouse – but Facebook is just a slice of the world. If you have a problem with your partner writing on Facebook, then you probably have a problem with your partner being social outside of Facebook, too. Right?

You’re not gonna tell me that it’s alright for your partner to socialize at parties and other places but not on Facebook? It all comes down to trust. If you’ve caught someone cheating on you on Facebook, chances are that he/she would probably have cheated on you if there was no Facebook, no online world in which to go hunting for new adventures.

I understand it’s different if you’re with a “player”, as they call them. Some men and women are just incredibly flirtatious and not very loyal to one partner. That’s not the internet’s fault though. Sure, it’s an excellent hunting ground and a place to cheat if you’re so inclined. Player online = player offline. In my book. You can take Facebook away from the player but you can’t take that inclination to cheat away.

What’s your opinion about this? Have you ever been cheated on? Did you discover he/she was secretly flirting with another person online?

Insecurity will bring you loneliness. And just because that big breasted lady thinks your guy is oh so charming and I’m the one who keeps yelling at him and telling him to stop being annoying, it doesn’t mean he is going anywhere. Right?

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Should we murder prince charming?

He was a doctor or a lawyer or a landscaper. Most of the time he’d be really tall and handsome with either brown eyes and dark hair or blond hair and the bluest eyes ever known to man. And he’d be single, kind of living a playboy lifestyle, a sort of bad boy involved with lots of women at the same time. That’s until he meets me, of course. Well, he actually meets the female lead in the romance novel but I always used to imagine she looked just like me – and then he’d fall in love, turn around his entire life, become a wonderful husband and doting father, all in a matter of 200 pages.

I was in my teens when I started reading this porn for the mind (that’s truly what it is, ladies). Boy is single, boy meets girl, boy and girl kiss passionately, boy messes up and makes girl angry, boy and girl make up and then finally make love as well. And they always make love, they don’t just go to bed. They make love in the most romantic way any woman can ever imagine. Porn for the mind.

Milano, Italy
Image via Wikipedia

It is, of course, a completely hopeless scenario. We women are never going to meet a man who is a total playboy on Tuesday and a loving father and husband on Wednesday. It just doesn’t happen.  Perhaps that’s why these novels sell so well – we need this guy to exist and we need to pretend that we meet him and change his wicked ways by our beauty and attractiveness. We need this escape from reality even if it means through a silly story.

And what about Cinderella whose life becomes so much better because she meets the prince who carries her away on the white horse? What about Barbie who seems really obsessed with looking pretty and skinny and meeting a sexy man? We’re sending a really weird message to little girls: Being pretty is important if you want to be happy. Where is the heroinne who isn’t hung up on looks and who studies to be a lawyer or a doctor or a landscaper? The independent chick who doesn’t need this prince to come and save her.

I’m older now and yet I carry with me certain ideas from when I was a little girl and a teenager. For example, my partner can tell me many times that he loves me no matter how I look and he loves me for the person I am. I still secretly think he wants a slim pretty woman (the woman from the romance novel).  I still – partly – carry with me the thought that a woman is not really whole without a man (I got that from watching hours of Cinderella cartoons).

Seriously, we need to tell girls and young women: Study hard, be proud of yourself, rely on yourself, be a strong woman and then find a man if you want. Don’t wait for some dark-eyed prince to come riding into your life and give it all meaning. What do you think? I know men are sometimes frightened of really strong, independent women – men need to be needed for something, I truly believe that. So – if we become strong women who don’t need men for anything other than to be a pleasurable part of an already nice life – are we killing romance? Are we going against what nature intends? Are we turning men into puppies that we can walk and cuddle whenever we feel like it?

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