Fajitas!

I had a great time today cooking fajitas with my brother and my parents!

I don’t really enjoy very spicy food but this was just right. I may have gone a bit overboard on the creme fraiche but OH BOY, what a great meal. It really made me want to experiment more in the kitchen. When I say experiment, I mean cook. I spend very little time in the kitchen but who knows, it might change. My brother is a good influence!

Do you like Mexican food?

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Culprit found!

Sleeping, male baby cat. Red hair.

Image via Wikipedia

I knew it! It’s the mattress on my bed giving me hives. I have been sleeping on my sofa now for over a week just to test if the bed really IS the cause of my hives and then yesterday night I slept in my bed again and voila, hives on my arms and legs again. There it is. So what to do now? Throw away the mattress? I guess.

All these antihistamines have messed up my sleep pattern. I find myself sleeping in the afternoon and when waking up a few hours, then sleeping again a few hours and waking up at 3-4 AM. Ugh.

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Hello Kitty therapy

If you feel blue, go shopping. So I did. By the way, the blueness has more turned into a greenish kinda thing, the kind where you are not really concerned so much but still feel a little sting when a certain person comes to mind . . but I much prefer green to blue.

So I went shopping this morning and I came back with two things – which is totally amazing for me since I usually come back with pretty much nothing. My mind is forever going ‘I don’t need this’, ‘I can probably get a used one of these elsewhere’, ‘My dad can probably find me one of these’.. and so on. But today I kicked some serious shopping ass.

First of all, new pair of trousers, tight fit – or as some would say ‘Wow you are really punishing those trousers‘.

And the second purchase:

Hello Kitty eye shadow, six shades. There’s just nothing like Hello Kitty to brighten a girl’s day. It sparkles!

I am now sitting here at my PC, drinking some chocolate milk and have just discovered that John Douglas, former FBI profiler, is working with a production company on a new TV show. Hallelujah.

Have a good night, all.

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About the whole love situation..

I have no comment tonight. I’m in sort of a better place tonight so I am gonna leave it be.

Instead I am going to promote my new Youtube channel called Gorzalicious! and here is the URLhttp://www.youtube.com/user/gorzalicious

Obviously not too many videos yet but please subscribe anyway! I’ll be doing comedy stuff, I’ll be discussing my social anxiety and depression, I might be talking about how tough life is (when I am in that frame of mind) and I might.. sing. A bit.

Please subscribe, leave a comment, much appreciated. Right now I have a massive headache and no idea why. I better get to bed – I only got 14 hours sleep yesterday. I am thinking it’s the emotional roller-coaster thing taking its toll on me.

Gorzy over and out. I shall write something more sensible tomorrow. Promise.

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I wish someone could love me fully

Well it’s the first morning after being dumped yet again. I shift between crying hysterically, blowing my nose into a handkerchief and then minutes later my anger kicks in and I think a little rationally: ‘Well if he can leave me this easily, he didn’t care much in the first place’.

Last night right after he ended things with me, I went through my entire flat and gathered everything he has ever given me. Letters, a picture with a little sweet inscription, small bows from flowers and chocolate he has sent me. I gathered everything into a big brown envelope and wrote him a letter, partly desperate (begging for him to stay) and partly just saying goodbye because I know he won’t change his mind. I am planning to send it all back to him. It hurts terribly to part with it but I can’t look at it anymore. I also can’t make myself throw it in the dumpster. That’s why I am sending it back.

It is beyond my understanding how anyone can look me in the eyes only three weeks ago and say how much he loves me, kiss me so tenderly and hold me so tight.. and then suddenly he needs to be alone, he can’t give me what I need. I know things have happened in the meantime due to my anxiety that we could have been without. I just can’t believe that our relationship is not even worth a fight. He will just leave. Finish it. I can’t help thinking I was apparently not worth the effort.

So how do I plan on getting through today? I am thinking a very, very thorough session of cleaning my kitchen, re-arranging furniture, making a new Youtube channel (old one bears too many memories and it’s full of his comments on my videos), erasing every single little memory of this guy from my flat. Plus of course listening to Reba McEntire‘s greatest hits all afternoon. Reba can cure any heartbreak known to man.

What’s with this whole ‘let’s be friends’ thing? First of all I have no idea how to stop loving him in the way a lover does, a girlfriend, someone who loves you that extra bit that makes everything special. I can’t just switch my emotions like that. Secondly, why would he think I want to keep him in my life so I can be a witness to the day where he suddenly is interested in a relationship and he will write ‘I have found the perfect woman‘ on his Facebook wall. I refuse to witness that day. We will be lovers and partners or we will be nothing. There is no going back.

Kitchen awaits. Ajax, here I come. And here come the tears again.

 

 

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Bad mothers give up custody

original National Geographic article A BEDOUIN...

Image via Wikipedia

Dads give up custody every day and nobody raises an eyebrow. Moms are increasingly giving up custody for the benefit of their children and yet the noncustodial mom remains the bad mother, the uncaring mother, the selfish woman putting herself above her offspring.

Why do we have this double standard? I suppose because it breaks our idea of the perfect upbringing and the myth that a child is always better off with his/her mom. It’s not always so but people are too afraid to face it. Noncustodial moms often avoid even bringing up their children in conversations so they don’t have to go into long explanations, defending their choices and reassuring people that yes, the child is fine.

Being a noncustodial parent myself, I often get the same questions if I do bring up my child:

Is he okay? (Assuming he must be miserable and I am the cause of it)
Don’t you miss him? (Duh! This is one of the more stupid questions, of course I miss him like any mom would)
Aren’t you worried your ex will not let you see him? (Assuming my ex realises that I am a bad mother and a horrible human being)

And there are many more questions with the underlying assumption that a mother who leaves – even if she claims to be putting her child’s needs first – must be a bad mother.

I don’t like the word “leave” either. I always say I never left my child, I left my husband. I am still my son’s mother, we still see each other, we still talk a lot, we have a very close and loving relationship and I make a big deal out of staying in touch. He feels loved, I am sure of it. And his dad provides the environment he needs to prosper and feel secure. Also his dad and I have a good relationship and are able to talk about things. A lesson we have had to learn.

I am the mother of a happy, outgoing kid. I am a noncustodial mother. Whatever issues come up between my son and I when he grows older, we will deal with together. I just wish it was easier to carry this role in today’s society. Sure, we’re a minority and we’re most often frowned upon but as custody is more and more frequently given to fathers, people will have to face the fact that children can prosper and do well with any parent, mom or dad, if they are treated lovingly and don’t feel abandoned. It’s the parent’s job to make sure the children feel loved and valued.
And if you have a child in this particular situation, maybe try to turn things upside down in your head. It’s true, it is a difficult thing to go through as it is when a father loses custody – but if your child is happy and outgoing, leave your worries behind for the moment and you might just be getting a kid with a very open mind and the knowledge that there are many different kinds of families, that people can part and still remain friends and isn’t that the kind of people we want more of? The openminded ones?

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There is no prince charming, ladies

When I was a little girl, I was in love with Barbie. I must have had over 80 Barbie dolls and they had a house and a dog and a horse to ride around on. Barbie also had Ken who was her love interest in the beginning of all my games but the relationship developed from mere friendship into everlasting love in a matter of 15 minutes. One day Ken cheated on Barbie with some bimbo (another doll) who had set her eyes on him even though he was married. You know the type. Ken came home from work, casually threw his jacket over a chair and Barbie was in the kitchen crying her little, innocent eyes out.
Drama. She had discovered the deceit .

Ken explained everything and he apologized. Promised it would never happen again. Ken and Barbie hugged and made up (I had the door to my room locked for that purpose. How embarrassing if my mom was to walk in when Ken was kissing Barbie! ) .. and it never did happen again. He never, ever cheated again. And they lived happily ever after. No more “I am working late tonight” and “I got a run out to buy cigarettes” and not returning until six hours later.
I also watched Cinderella cartoons. My role models were all these seemingly helpless women , completely lost in the world until their Prince charming came along and made everything okay . I wonder which fool created such a role model for girls !? How about teaching girls to be strong and independent women ? There wasn’t much talk about that when I was a little girl .

 

As I grew a little older , I kept believing that all those married women I knew were truly with their Prince charming but I did begin to realize that being married was not everything that Cinderella promised it would be . It required work and the ability to forgive and move on . Okay . I would surely be able to do that and when I was going to marry , it would be for ever ; there was just no question in my mind about that . I took it absolutely for granted . Having grown up with parents who were married , I did not really have the ability to put myself in the place of a child with divorced parents. I looked at those children and felt sorry for them and I seem to remember my childhood as a time when very few people got divorced. I’m sure that’s not true; I grew up in the 70s and early eighties and of course, people did get divorced. It just never touched my world. Therefore it was absolutely unthinkable for me that I would ever get divorced.
Then I got married . I had a child . This was my goal ever since I was a little girl . I remember a close friend of mine once told me “If you never have a child , there is just no justice in this world “. I wanted a family so badly . I still believed in the fairytale until I was hit with depression , arguments , anxiety , taking care of a baby , bills , bad communication , trying to mix two religions and two different cultures and trying to remember who I was before I entered this new world . We ended up getting a divorce and today I find myself being someone I had never planned I would be.

Maybe that’s the whole purpose being on this planet . Things never go as we plan and we have to adjust to new situations and new people coming in and out of our lives . Whatever happened to Cinderella and Barbie and Ken and happy ever after ? What happened to all those promises ? What happened to the simplicity ?
It was all a lie . I do believe in true love because I see examples of couples who have been together for years and stay together . They just don’t always stay together because of passion and sexual attraction . They stay together for friendship , because they admire something in each other , because they need something from each other . Sex is a part of that – but just a part of it . The world is full of true love. There are married couples still together after 30+ years of marriage , there are divorced couples who remain friendly for the sake of the kids , there are people who volunteer to help others freely and out of the goodness of their heart , there are grandparents who loves spending time with the grandchildren.

You cannot define what true love is. All I know is, if you find love, hold onto it, work hard at keeping it.  Prince charming is not out there, nor is the simple relationship that came along with him. But the world is full of true love.

 

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Dumped like a sack of potatoes

I remember it like it was yesterday. We were having a few problems (ex boyfriend and I) and I had gone on my bike to go see him. 20 minutes of headwind while my mind raced: “What am I gonna say to him?”  – turns out I didn’t have to worry. He was in no mind to speak to me. It was kind of a stormy relationship to begin with but what happened when I arrived really threw me for a loop.  He opened the door, looked at me with the coldest stare I had ever gotten from anyone and said : “I want you to leave, we’re done“. No explanation. I remembered stammering “B..b..but errr…what’s happening? Can’t we talk?” and he once more said “I just want you to leave, this is over“. And then he sort of lead me to the door and opened it.

Just leave. This is it“.  Door closed. “Conversation” ended. There I was, holding my bike and tears down my face. That was really it, I guess. I was shocked by his behavior. It’s hard to fathom someone seeming loving and kind and then suddenly switching to some cold being that you don’t recognize. And yet that’s what he was.

Worst way I have ever been dumped. Very humiliating. Of course a few months later he came back and said he just wanted a break; by that time it was me who said “We’re done, this is not going to work“. I offered more of an explanation than he ever did the first time around.

I sometimes wonder what’s the worst way to get dumped? There are many ways of doing it. Face to face might be the only good way to go about it but then again, that’s what happened to me in a very cold and unfeeling manner. I wish he’d wrapped it up a little nicer at the time. Now I don’t care anymore, moved on of course. But for those who understand how to dump someone respectfully, face to face might be the way to go.

Then of course there’s the telephone. Or email or letter. Choosing to break up via telephone might spare one the drama but then again, it does seems a little cowardly to avoid the confrontation of being in the same room. Text message or letter is just totally the wrong way to go about dumping someone. Of course you get to pick and choose your words without interruptions but wow, can you be any more cold and unfeeling? I doubt it.

That’s not even the dumbest way to dump someone.

You know the type, right? They’ll just choose to suddenly ignore you and stop communicating altogether or choose the other terrible option: Finding someone else and THEN dumping you. Both ways are idiotic. If you’re the one doing the dumping, please stop to think about what you’re doing. Would you really wanna be dumped by being ignored and then seeing your so-called partner out on the town with someone else? I don’t think so.

Just because you’re not gonna be together anymore doesn’t mean you don’t need to show respect in the dumping process.

My thought is the only way to handle it is be honest, offer an explanation and then show some respect whilst being firm in your decision. That’s how I’d wanna be dumped!

Not by some guy closing the door on me after six months – right after going “I just want you to leave. We’re done”.

How about you? Share your worst dumping story?

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He said, she said, then the whore said…

BeGoodPostcard1909

Image via Wikipedia

I read an article online the other day – I forget which site – but it claimed that lots of relationships break up because of people’s Facebook interactions. Partners check into each other’s accounts and find various discrepancies. The article didn’t state what the problem was but I am guessing infidelity or just flirting and socializing with different people online. If the article speaks the truth, then I don’t think Facebook is the problem. Of course, Facebook is a big huge playground of communication, flirting, laughing, sharing things – even sharing things that you might not want to share with your spouse – but Facebook is just a slice of the world. If you have a problem with your partner writing on Facebook, then you probably have a problem with your partner being social outside of Facebook, too. Right?

You’re not gonna tell me that it’s alright for your partner to socialize at parties and other places but not on Facebook? It all comes down to trust. If you’ve caught someone cheating on you on Facebook, chances are that he/she would probably have cheated on you if there was no Facebook, no online world in which to go hunting for new adventures.

I understand it’s different if you’re with a “player”, as they call them. Some men and women are just incredibly flirtatious and not very loyal to one partner. That’s not the internet’s fault though. Sure, it’s an excellent hunting ground and a place to cheat if you’re so inclined. Player online = player offline. In my book. You can take Facebook away from the player but you can’t take that inclination to cheat away.

What’s your opinion about this? Have you ever been cheated on? Did you discover he/she was secretly flirting with another person online?

Insecurity will bring you loneliness. And just because that big breasted lady thinks your guy is oh so charming and I’m the one who keeps yelling at him and telling him to stop being annoying, it doesn’t mean he is going anywhere. Right?

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Should we murder prince charming?

He was a doctor or a lawyer or a landscaper. Most of the time he’d be really tall and handsome with either brown eyes and dark hair or blond hair and the bluest eyes ever known to man. And he’d be single, kind of living a playboy lifestyle, a sort of bad boy involved with lots of women at the same time. That’s until he meets me, of course. Well, he actually meets the female lead in the romance novel but I always used to imagine she looked just like me – and then he’d fall in love, turn around his entire life, become a wonderful husband and doting father, all in a matter of 200 pages.

I was in my teens when I started reading this porn for the mind (that’s truly what it is, ladies). Boy is single, boy meets girl, boy and girl kiss passionately, boy messes up and makes girl angry, boy and girl make up and then finally make love as well. And they always make love, they don’t just go to bed. They make love in the most romantic way any woman can ever imagine. Porn for the mind.

Milano, Italy
Image via Wikipedia

It is, of course, a completely hopeless scenario. We women are never going to meet a man who is a total playboy on Tuesday and a loving father and husband on Wednesday. It just doesn’t happen.  Perhaps that’s why these novels sell so well – we need this guy to exist and we need to pretend that we meet him and change his wicked ways by our beauty and attractiveness. We need this escape from reality even if it means through a silly story.

And what about Cinderella whose life becomes so much better because she meets the prince who carries her away on the white horse? What about Barbie who seems really obsessed with looking pretty and skinny and meeting a sexy man? We’re sending a really weird message to little girls: Being pretty is important if you want to be happy. Where is the heroinne who isn’t hung up on looks and who studies to be a lawyer or a doctor or a landscaper? The independent chick who doesn’t need this prince to come and save her.

I’m older now and yet I carry with me certain ideas from when I was a little girl and a teenager. For example, my partner can tell me many times that he loves me no matter how I look and he loves me for the person I am. I still secretly think he wants a slim pretty woman (the woman from the romance novel).  I still – partly – carry with me the thought that a woman is not really whole without a man (I got that from watching hours of Cinderella cartoons).

Seriously, we need to tell girls and young women: Study hard, be proud of yourself, rely on yourself, be a strong woman and then find a man if you want. Don’t wait for some dark-eyed prince to come riding into your life and give it all meaning. What do you think? I know men are sometimes frightened of really strong, independent women – men need to be needed for something, I truly believe that. So – if we become strong women who don’t need men for anything other than to be a pleasurable part of an already nice life – are we killing romance? Are we going against what nature intends? Are we turning men into puppies that we can walk and cuddle whenever we feel like it?

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