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Change my diaper?

 My birthday was pretty darn good. I originally thought I was turning 37 until the day before when someone informed me it was really 38. I lost an entire year. It’s alright though because with age comes wisdom. So they say.

I spent the day with my parents and one of my brothers (my son was still vacationing with his dad). We ate out for lunch and for dinner we had some rather delicious Chinese food. Baked shrimp – OH GOD, how amazing!

Without becoming too philosophical in my old age, I have decided to start collecting owls. They are wonderful, beautiful creatures. Wise like me. Plus they can twist their heads all the way around.. unlike me. Fascinating. So if you have any owls left over, please contact me.

By the way, I was being kinda whiny about turning 38 and I was wondering out loud whether half of my life has gone already. My mum (another wise woman) told me that the best part is coming. I do believe she is right. I just had to have a little think about it. I, as a woman and as a human being, is at that stage in life where things are finally starting to settle down a little bit. I have a bit of life experience, I am starting to recognize which men are jerks and which ones are alright, I am more comfortable in a lot of areas of my life. So if I only get calmer and more secure the older I get, I am fine with aging.

On the other hand, there’s that nasty time coming when I will need someone to change my diaper. Dilemma.

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I had a great time today cooking fajitas with my brother and my parents!

I don’t really enjoy very spicy food but this was just right. I may have gone a bit overboard on the creme fraiche but OH BOY, what a great meal. It really made me want to experiment more in the kitchen. When I say experiment, I mean cook. I spend very little time in the kitchen but who knows, it might change. My brother is a good influence!

Do you like Mexican food?

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Bad mothers give up custody

original National Geographic article A BEDOUIN...

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Dads give up custody every day and nobody raises an eyebrow. Moms are increasingly giving up custody for the benefit of their children and yet the noncustodial mom remains the bad mother, the uncaring mother, the selfish woman putting herself above her offspring.

Why do we have this double standard? I suppose because it breaks our idea of the perfect upbringing and the myth that a child is always better off with his/her mom. It’s not always so but people are too afraid to face it. Noncustodial moms often avoid even bringing up their children in conversations so they don’t have to go into long explanations, defending their choices and reassuring people that yes, the child is fine.

Being a noncustodial parent myself, I often get the same questions if I do bring up my child:

Is he okay? (Assuming he must be miserable and I am the cause of it)
Don’t you miss him? (Duh! This is one of the more stupid questions, of course I miss him like any mom would)
Aren’t you worried your ex will not let you see him? (Assuming my ex realises that I am a bad mother and a horrible human being)

And there are many more questions with the underlying assumption that a mother who leaves – even if she claims to be putting her child’s needs first – must be a bad mother.

I don’t like the word “leave” either. I always say I never left my child, I left my husband. I am still my son’s mother, we still see each other, we still talk a lot, we have a very close and loving relationship and I make a big deal out of staying in touch. He feels loved, I am sure of it. And his dad provides the environment he needs to prosper and feel secure. Also his dad and I have a good relationship and are able to talk about things. A lesson we have had to learn.

I am the mother of a happy, outgoing kid. I am a noncustodial mother. Whatever issues come up between my son and I when he grows older, we will deal with together. I just wish it was easier to carry this role in today’s society. Sure, we’re a minority and we’re most often frowned upon but as custody is more and more frequently given to fathers, people will have to face the fact that children can prosper and do well with any parent, mom or dad, if they are treated lovingly and don’t feel abandoned. It’s the parent’s job to make sure the children feel loved and valued.
And if you have a child in this particular situation, maybe try to turn things upside down in your head. It’s true, it is a difficult thing to go through as it is when a father loses custody – but if your child is happy and outgoing, leave your worries behind for the moment and you might just be getting a kid with a very open mind and the knowledge that there are many different kinds of families, that people can part and still remain friends and isn’t that the kind of people we want more of? The openminded ones?

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Writing my way to healing

Smileee! 'Cus right now I am smiling at you.. ...

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That’s it, I am going to write my way to feeling better, like a runner doing a marathon, I will not stop until I reach my goal. Every shrink out there says ‘be sure to get it out, don’t keep anything inside’ so I am going to take it to heart! Every crazy thought, every fear, every joy, everyday silly stuff will be written down here (with the exception of mentioning people I love and care about by name).
Making a journal. Ugh. It sounds like something a 14 year old girl would do. Yet here I go.

It’s been a weird day, feels like I have been through the washing machine‘s super quick program, NOT the soft linen one. I am going to bed thinking I am okay as a person, I’m alright, I could be much much worse. That’s not a bad thought to sleep with.

Thanks to everyone who supported me today, it means more than you might know.

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I am not in control

Blue Sky at Sunrise

I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Many things make me worried. Being a noncustodial mother I also find myself constantly worried for my kid who is in absolutely safe and loving hands. I know the worry for our children is something natural but I think I might be taking it to an extreme. There are so many ‘what if’s’ inside my head. What if he misses me? What if he is sad when I am not there? His dad has assured me that our kid is fine and happy and socially active and I see the proof of it whenever I see him but as soon as I am alone again, there comes the worry. If I could let all these worries go, I would have so much more energy to use for positive things.

I try to think what the harm would be in not worrying quite so much.  The truth is that I control absolutely nothing in this world. I can’t make sure everybody is happy all the time. I can’t make sure I say the right thing and do the right thing every day. I can’t make everybody love me. I can’t stop time from passing and everyone I love getting older.

I must try to worry less. Perhaps find some exercises to do to change the way I think.
Home assignments! First question: What would change within my family and my surroundings if I stop worrying all the time?


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