Tag Archives: Support Groups

Am I impossible to love ?

I am really close to giving in to the thought that I am unlovable. I am so socially awkward and anxious that it is impossible for anyone to be with me. I’m not 100% sure of the truth to those words but I am coming scarily close to believing them. Sure, I am in love but there is this huge wall standing right between us. The wall of social phobia. I try, I really do. I try to overcome my feelings of inadequacy, I try to stop judging myself so harshly and I have succeeded in actually pushing my own boundaries. But I have also failed miserably. I’ve had to give up on meeting his friends that he was so eager for me to meet. Huge disappointment. Pretty soon those awful words ‘let’s just be friends’. Ugh. I hate those words. They might as well be ‘you’re too weird for this to work out’. I know, I know, those words were not said. They’re the interpretation of a very anxious and shameful brain.

So I have to ask myself, am I really unlovable? I mean, if I can’t do all the ‘normal’ couple stuff, go out with friends, double date, hang out with another couple.. am I then doomed to live a life alone? Perhaps. I have said in a past relationship that I would be more than willing to stay home while he went out with another couple or some friends but he’d have none of that. He’d rather sit at home with me and sulk about not being able to go. He made me feel so ashamed and horrible (because I let him).

I never want to isolate anybody. Perhaps people feel that loneliness and anxiety is contagious. I so wish someone would look behind the anxiety and the challenges it brings and see this wonderful woman I really am. Just give me a fighting chance to test my boundaries before they leave. I know the problem is mine and mine alone; my biggest dream is just to be loved entirely, anxious or not. I know I sound like a whining child right now and full of self pity. That’s not the case. I don’t pity myself, I am merely expressing that I am holding on to the last thread of hope . . it cannot be true that I cannot be loved.

Yet experience tells me so. Some broken relationships behind me where anxiety played a major part in destroying things. Lots of other problems too (I am not accepting all the blame) but I know for sure what my own part was: Being crippled by fears and worries.

I can remember hiding in the bathroom while my ex husband had company over. It was that hard for me to face people. That’s how low a creature I considered myself.

I suppose it’s difficult to love someone who has these kinds of challenges because it affects so much of my life. I just wish so badly that someone would have the patience and the understanding and the strength to stand by me through it all.

Underneath this cloak of anxiety there is a very beautiful, lively, funny, sexy, fully lovable woman. I know it.  Where is the guy who will see her?

Related articles

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Dear doughnut.. I mean Jesus

Jesus

Image via Wikipedia

Dear Jesus, please help me lose weight. Until this point I have counted on the LWBSOMAAD Factor: Losing Weight By Sitting On My Ass All Day – and alas, it has not worked. Let me just admit this to you right away. I am weak. Can I pass the candy department at the supermarket without buying anything? No. Can I (recently) pass the bakery without feeling an immediate, intense need for doughnuts? No. I may decide that today I will exercise – at least go 10 kilometers on my bike that is situated right smack in the middle of my living room and in front of the television and lo and behold, no exercise has been done when evening arrives. By then I enter into the ‘oh well, tomorrow is another day’ state of mind. Putting it off. Eating a little so I don’t feel so darn guilty.

Then in the morning I look in the mirror and act surprised. Like I am looking at some stranger who has absolutely no will power. I used to be slim back in the day but now I have drifted into this lifestyle of not moving a lot, eating unhealthy junk and whining about how I need to lose weight.

I keep thinking ‘Just do it’. It can’t be that difficult to get out of my chair. I might possibly have a tiny bit of a computer addiction going on. I admit it. Perhaps I should start small, take baby steps. Like go 1 kilometer on my bike per day. It sounds absolutely pathetic, I know, but it is a major step for human kind. If I keep doing what I am doing now, I can stand next to Oprah and she will appear slim. No offense.

Anyway, it’s late, I have been up since the crack of dawn and I have done absolutely nothing exercise wise all day. I have eaten way too much, of course .. and my mind is absolutely confused (probably too much sugar)!

I’ll sleep now. Tomorrow morning I am starting over. New attitude, new schedule, new outlook, new.. whoa, a cream doughnut.. yummm…

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I now question my weirdness

Cryonic weirdness

Image via Wikipedia

Hello. I am Gitte and I have recently noticed I am not nearly as strange as I imagined. It’s a little disappointing to be honest. My weirdness was something I could hold onto, I could hide behind it like a little kid standing nervously behind a big, strong parent when being introduced to someone. It’s beginning to change now.

Perhaps I should explain. 

Ever since I can remember I have been nervous, I have felt awkward and different than others and thus I have chosen to hide away, socially isolating myself. My therapist called it ‘social anxiety‘ and I suppose the label fits quite well although I am not really too comfortable with being labelled. The only good thing about that stamp on my forehead is that I can Google it and find that I am not alone. There are thousands (if not millions) worldwide who feel exactly like I do.

Until a couple of weeks ago I would hide away and be quite certain that those numbers were wrong. IF others felt anxious and nervous as well, I was quite sure that my ‘condition’ was much worse than theirs. I suppose that’s part of the anxiety, the lack of confidence and the negative thoughts that spin around in one’s head uncontrollably.

Anyway, I have ventured out a bit lately and I have seen some weird shit. Believe me. Especially one individual makes me go ‘seriously, you’re this strange and you are not ashamed of it?’ – it made me question my own uniqueness. Unique as in ‘much more anxious than others’.

Perhaps this image in my head of a woman who gets absolutely nothing and looks horrific, says everything the wrong way at the wrong time and doesn’t have a chance for happiness ever .. is wrong. Big question mark in my head tonight!
Related articles

Enhanced by Zemanta
Tagged , , , , , , ,